How to stop unproductive thinking

I'm about to share with you my personal experience. This is not backed up by any kind of science or research, but it is backed up by conversations and experiences I've had with some of my clients.

For those that don't know, I used to suffer excruciating panic attacks. Kill me.

If you have never experienced panic attacks, they are fucking terrible. I would even say they are the worst experiences you can have in life outside of physical pain. (Although, there would be some who would argue that it's worse than physical pain.)

I had my first one during the summer of 2000 between high school and college. It was almost like an out-of-body experience given that I had never experienced anything like it before. I was in my bedroom and felt  "things", but I didn't know how to explain it. I just knew I was very uncomfortable and wanted to run from something that I couldn't put my finger on. It was terrible, haunting, unfamiliar, and I couldn’t escape. It lasted as long as it lasted and went away.

Gratefully, my first few panic attacks were very sporadic. They happened, were terrible, but were isolated. It wasn't until about mid-2010s that it finally became a more consistent experience.

In 2015, while visiting my mother over Christmas in Colorado (which, if you don’t know, has a notoriously high altitude), I suddenly started to pay close attention to my breath. The sensation I had was that I couldn't breathe deeply enough. I had seemingly lost the ability to breathe as deeply as I used to just weeks before! I was reminded that we were 7,000+ feet above sea level, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was absolutely terrifying. Thankfully, my mother was there to calm me down, but I wasn’t able to feel fully reassured. I was convinced that there was something more sinister going on within my body.

I had convinced myself that there was a problem that wasn't there. I had created a new mental line of thinking, a new “river'', in my brain.

Upon my return to New York City, I quickly rejoined a 6-week workout program I had completed before. Despite my fear of feeling like I'm unable to breathe the same, I instinctively knew that I needed to face this truth, one way or the other. My way of proving it to myself was to see if I could work out intensely and not faint. I was facing, head-on, the situation that scared me most: my willingness and ability to breathe as deeply as I could previously. The result? I was able to breathe as expected. Phew!

It wasn't overnight that I got better, but these classes did help prove to myself that, indeed, I was okay and this was all a function of something in my mind. I did have multiple times I felt anxiety spikes, but none of them escalated to a full-blown panic attack. Shortly thereafter, I started therapy.

Skipping ahead to Christmas of 2018, I had another low moment in my life. The lowest to date. For the first time in my life that I can recall, I was experiencing unsettling and repeated depression. I again was observing my symptoms and trying to put together what was going on, but just felt uncomfortable. A few days after Christmas, I was able to crystallize what was going on while I was on top of the looking point next to my mother’s house. From this vantage point, you could see the landscape around where she lived, including Ute Mountain and Mesa Verde National Park. It truly was a breathtaking view to take in. 

Previously, every time I had been up there, I was deeply moved. I felt inspired, connected, blessed, grateful, and refreshed. 

That time, though, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was completely unmoved. 

And, boy, was that alarming to me. WTF was going on? Whatever it was, I did not like it. 

I had a new way of viewing things I hadn't viewed before. Once again, a new “river'' had formed in my brain. It wasn’t a pleasant river, but it was a train of thoughts that predictably led me to thinking and viewing life in a way that was unpleasant and unhelpful.

During that Christmas trip, my problems weren’t solved, but I did level out some and had a lot data collection. I was in a new season and this “river” was not one I had to raft down. After more months of contemplation, I was able to pinpoint better the mechanics of what was happening during this experience. I couldn't find any specific research that correlated to my experience, but I was able to come up with the following metaphor.

A river runs through it

As our brains develop, “streams” of experience, thoughts, and reactions come from our senses/sources (the chief source being our parents) and these sources start to “wash down” our brains. 

At first, the only grooves imbedded in us are genetic grooves and instincts. They aren't very deep or very wide and that allows us as young people to be malleable. We're able to quickly tune into the happiness or joy or fun--whatever it is that we desire. 

Over time, just like water does on planet Earth, these sources start to erode these pathways from simple spills into flowing streams and, later, gushing rivers. And, even within these rivers, there is variety. Some turn into rocky, white water rapids while others are wide slow-moving, lazy rivers.

All of these waterways are what I would call our habits and patterns. Most of them, we learned at an early age. But they can arrive at any time. And, if you don’t actively form them, they change on their own and to others’ wills.

Because we're mostly unconscious of the creation of them, and of their existence at all, they become deeper and wider, and, as time passes, more difficult to change.

But don't be alarmed! We are incredible creatures. We can always change habits and patterns that don't work for us. Also, we are innately provided with a powerful toolbox that can effect change. There is always hope.

Thankfully, we are able to constantly form and redirect any internal rivers that do not serve us. The more recently a river was created, the easier it is to realign. Additionally, if you already have a river that works better for you than the current one you're flowing on, moving over to an older, better river is not all that hard. You just have to do the work.

Changing your flow

So how does this all work? Well, first is to identify your various waterways, then, have a system for evaluating which waterways work best for yourself, and finally, prepare to dam up any river that doesn't serve you. Your process will include drying up those unproductive rivers and offering no new access points so that you can continue to flow down the rivers that serve you the best.

For me, in both of the scenarios I shared, I had already been certified in coaching, had parents skilled in these areas, and secured a coach to help me. I was clearly aware of my entire waterway system and knew exactly what new waterways were there. So I put in the work to create new dams. Dams that would block off unproductive thinking. Dams that led to panic attacks. Dams that led to depression. Dams that brought me no joy.

And in place of them, I flowed down rivers I knew already worked. Where there was no river that already worked, I started a new one and borrowed old beliefs that worked to help create that new river.

The bottom line: this stuff really works! You can always direct where your rivers flow.

I want to make sure you understand that very loudly and very clearly in your soul.

You are the Creator of your river flows.

The issue is, simply, you must become aware of the waterways in your head. Most people don't spend the time on this. Most people tend to live unconsciously. In other words, they tend to live by what they were demonstrated and how they were raised, without consideration or reflection. You can do better. 

Coaching is one way you can use to provide yourself an opportunity to redirect your rivers so that you can take better actions and make the choices that allow you to choose the rivers that allow you to thrive. 

What waterways in your head work for you?