How to stop feeling guilty
Oh, we’ve all been there.
You’re feeling guilt for what you’ve done (or not done) and you’re just stuck in the yuck. That feeling is internalized code letting you know you’ve violated a personal rule for yourself. It’s a natural byproduct of being out of alignment and serves a valuable purpose.
….unless you’re feeling excessive, toxic guilt. Is this you?
Guilt is a necessary force in our world. We want to have guilt in our society because it forces us to consider our values and what others think. Society can properly function only as a result of a healthy amount of guilt. It helps us police ourselves. Guilt even helps us work harder and be seen as better leaders, according to the Harvard Business Review. (So there is a benefit here!)
When the guilt-o-meter goes off the charts, though, you may be experiencing some “faulty internal coding” that has told you you’re wrong. Either that or you’re violating some core principles about who you are.
So how to resolve this?
In dealing with guilt, first of all, uncover what it is you’re feeling guilt about. In other words, it’s time to understand your feelings. Ask yourself:
What is the feelings you’re having?
Why are you feeling this way?
What are the circumstances around this?
What is the belief you hold that you have been violating?
Who would you be without this guilt? How would you act?
Having self-understanding is key here.
Secondly, identify how it is you want to act. Is this guilt actually in alignment with your desires and wishes? Or is this an old story you’ve brought with you from a younger age? Our beliefs are there to serve us….until they don’t anymore. And when that happens, it’s perfectly fine to change to your mind.
In this circumstance, you want to identify the error. Call it out. Put a label on it. That way, you can cement in your head that this action, which have done many times, is not the way you choose to act anymore. With that, create a strategy for doing things differently. Instead of repeating the same guilt inducing pattern, what will you do instead?
During all of this, it’s important to give yourself grace. You’re an imperfect human. Self-compassion actually is a great tool for learning and allows you to learn quicker. So be kind to yourself in this moment. Just because you’ve acted some way doesn’t mean you’ll repeat it forever.
And finally, a bonus for those that are enabling others, this is for you: it’s time to differentiate yourself as an individual. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself. In order for others to learn, they have to make their own mistakes. You cannot be there to save them. Why? You’ll prevent them from learning. They need to fall and scrape their knee themselves so they can feel the pain and learn from it. This can be the hardest lesson to watch, but it’s also the most important.
Guilt is natural. We all feel it. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply makes you alive. It’s time for radical self-compassion and bold and brave thinking.
You’ve got this.
