How to Create Willpower

Is there one item on your to-do list or goal list (or maybe it's a few items) that you just can't seem to check off?

Don't worry, you're not alone!

One thing that surprised even me whenever I first started working with overachievers is that many of them had trouble accomplishing the one or two things they truly desired. This isn't to say that I never experienced this myself, but I certainly thought that, like the stereotype, most overachievers have very little trouble producing. I mean, hey, that’s their superpower, right? The truth is more complicated than that. Overachievers do know how to produce--it just might not translate to all areas of their lives.

So that made me curious—what is getting in the way on some of these items?

Well, through my research, I discovered I have an easy and understandable answer for you. Story time!!

Growing up, my family was not very well off. My dad's first job paid so little that my family could have been on food stamps. Due to his own pride, he decided not to do that, which inadvertently kept his income low. Over the next couple of decades, my family's income gradually increased, but the lack of money mindset remained. We lived a frugal lifestyle of “nos” and “can’t haves”. It was a leading point in my life. That mindset stuck with me even after I left home and went to college. 

When I finally moved to New York City, I arrived with very little money, a food service job, and a strong wish to be a Broadway star. True to the actor stereotype, my hope for a decent income was tied to a dream of success (only I didn't pursue the education or training that most of my peers had, leaving me at a severe self-imposed disadvantage. Oops? lol). 

Given how competitive the performing industry is, I was not very successful in my acting career which led to me scraping by financially for the first decade of me living in New York City. Eventually, I became frustrated with the lack of success and the oversized role that luck played. With some hard work in my sideline careers, I got promotions in my food service jobs, I established my own staffing company, and, as a result, I finally started making a middle-class income. Woah! Boy, what a difference this made in my expenditures. I finally had some discretionary income! And I felt better too. I started to joke with my friends that I had a money-sized hole in my heart and, well, it was finally getting filled.

Research shows that every dollar you make up until a salary of $75,000 per year has a substantial increase in emotional wellbeing. After $75,000, the increase in happiness plateaus. I can certainly reflect this! I started to make enough money where the pain I felt from not having enough money started to subside. It was marvelous!

When the pandemic surprised us all, I was fortunate to have already saved up an emergency fund. It allowed me to live a relatively normal and comfortable life without any occupational income. Eventually, I realized this pandemic wasn’t going away and that I needed to set a deadline for when I would begin to search for or create a new job, should things not go back to normal with my sideline careers. Naturally, events didn't roar back like I had hoped. I was in a predicament.

When it finally came time to take action, I found myself very blocked. I knew intellectually this is something I should do, but I just couldn't muster the energy to sit down and accomplish what I wanted. What resulted was days and days, turning into weeks, of wishes, hopes, and desires to get moving and start a career, but I never saw any results. 

It's times like these I can benefit from what I myself teach others. Of course, I wish I had remembered faster. It took me a minute, but I finally put it together. 

The pain wasn't big enough. 

So what was going on? I wasn't moving because my status quo was still kind of great. I lived in a great apartment, I was able to feed myself with no problem, I still had more savings, and unemployment income was still coming in for me. The lazy part of my brain was asking, why would you do anything when you can just sit back and relax? 

Political conservatives know this mindset well. In principle, they are highly at odds with providing stimulus money without an earning requirement. Their concern is that, if the government incentivizes unemployment, there will be an increase in people refusing work opportunities. Indeed, some occupations found this to be true. The incentive for doing nothing was greater than the incentive for working. Conservatives stereotypically have an attitude to encourage you to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. The message they send is that if you don't have motivation to do something, you simply won't.

(Please know I'm not attempting to make any kind of political statement. I supported the unemployment stimulus and I fully believe things are way more complicated than I'm painting in this blog. I'm just making a point for the sake of explanation.)

The big takeaway here is that any time that you feel a lack of motivation, the solution is sometimes that your status quo is not bad enough.

I find this to be very true with overachievers. Listen, y'all are some of the most hardworking and successful people in the world. So naturally, you're going to be surrounded by a lot of positive results. Things obviously work out for you. You achieve often. You might have a lot of the creature comforts you want. Or even if you don't, maybe you don't mind! You get by and you're okay with it!

So what is someone supposed to do in this situation? 

You must create the pain.

Sounds crazy. So what exactly do I mean by that? Well, it may help to understand what willpower is. Willpower = clear goals + solid discomfort. For many of my clients, having a clear goal is not a problem. They are goal setters. Not only do they have clear wishes, they often execute it quickly, and are unafraid of hard work, persistence, and smart maneuvering.

The problem usually happens on the back end. I often find that my clients lack motivation because the status quo is not painful enough. Most of the overachievers I know have a pleasant living situation, have many other needs met, and are desiring something that is a want, not a need. Therein lies the problem. You sometimes must need something in order to manifest it.

The status quo is not painful enough.

Think about it: there’s a bear in a room.

If a bear started chasing you, you would definitely run. You would do whatever it takes to get away from that bear. For many people, their living situation is like that bear. Their financial situation is like that bear. Their current situation is like that bear. It is so uncomfortable and scary, they're willing to move and do whatever it takes, moving any mountains in the way, to get what they want. 

You need to create your metaphorical bear.

I mean sincerely. You need to create some stakes and believe in them. If you do, you will find the fire start to light within you. It may be as easy as knowing that time is passing. And if not now, are you okay with the answer being never?

Trust me--if you do it right, you will find your motivation roaring back.;’’’’’’

Now, a word of caution: don't create something so real that it lingers with you. Recognize that you're inventing a made-up bear, but still, you need that bear. So remind yourself, while you enjoy the situation you're in, it's not where you want to be. You have bigger goals. You want to dream bigger than before. Leverage the pain of your current situation, even if it is small, to remind you why you're taking action. It is within that you will find the motivation you need.

Lacking motivation shows up in all sorts of ways. This is just one of the most common. If you're finding you have trouble locating your motivation, obviously, I'm happy to help out. Reach out!

How comfortable are you with your status quo?